Presented for your amusement, and/or for you to poop on, the complete collection (to date) of “Signed, the dog” tweets… hehe… I said “dog tweets”… by which of course I refer to all the Twitter posts made from the perspective of an idealized amalgam of our various dogs… (the dates link to the original Twitter entry)
Why yes, I AM ignoring you. I just didn’t think “Farty McPiss-Bag” was a name I should respond to. –signed, the dog.
Sat Jan 02 16:53
Thanks, but I don’t need the whole bed, just the part where your legs are… –signed, the dog.
Fri Jan 01 16:38
“Walk this way”? If I could walk THAT way I wouldn’t NEED the other two legs. –signed, the dog.
Thu Dec 31 17:08:
What d’ya mean “if you were a font, you’d be Dingbat”? What a thing to say. I resemble that remark. –signed, the dog.
Tue Dec 29 21:14
Rabbit poop? I don’t know… tastes a little like chicken… –signed, the dog
Thu Dec 17 21:42
Okay, can I kill him AFTER he’s finished installing new outlets in the garage? –signed, the dog
Thu Nov 12 15:59
I don’t care if there’s downstairs water… I’m thirsty for UPSTAIRS water. –signed, the dog.
Wed Nov 11 23:23
Stay for how long, exactly? The trouble with “stay” is there’s very little wiggle room. I’m all about the wiggle room. –signed, the dog.
Mon Nov 09 15:31
What, I should not do that now, too? I thought you meant I should not do that, just at that moment… –signed, the dog.
Mon Nov 09 05:33
Hey, it’s MY tennis ball hanging from the garage ceiling: my first thought was not “parking aid”, it was “YAY, NEW GAME” –signed, the dog.
Thu Nov 05 23:01
Dude, just open the door. You can stay here. I’ll take mySELF for a walk. No big deal. –signed, the dog. (umm, no)
Wed Nov 04 03:11
Who you callin’ a son-of-a-bitch? Oh yeah. Never mind. –signed, the dog.
Wed Oct 28 18:47
Thanks for putting down that freshly laundered rug… for me to poop on! –signed, the dog (who thinks he’s “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog”)
Mon Oct 26 01:43
Where’s the Smell Key on this thing? Trust a human to design a keyboard with no Smell Key. How do I type smells? Jeez… –signed, the dog.
Sun Oct 25 03:08
Come ON, let me post something, I promise it won’t be about you, kibble boy. Trust me, you’re not that interesting. –signed, the dog.
Sun Oct 25 02:19
My Indian name is Buttsniffer. –signed, the dog.
Tue Oct 20 12:51
PLEASE don’t pave the gravel zone! There’s a reason they call it PEE gravel. They don’t call it “pee cement” now do they? –signed, the dog.
Tue Oct 20 01:51
I’m licking your elbow ’cause I can’t reach your face… now get down here and gimme a big kiss! –signed, the dog. [um, no, but thanks]
Mon Oct 19 18:21
How do I know? I just KNOW, that’s how I know. It’s noon, so make with the lunch already! –signed, the dog.
Mon Oct 19 15:46
I vant to leeek your face. Leeek. Leeek. –signed, the dog, in his best Boris Karloff voice.
Mon Oct 19 00:45
Because nice things are boring. THAT’S why I wreck everything. –signed, the dog.
Sun Oct 18 21:27
Ruth, Ruth, Ruth Ruth. –signed, the dog.
Sat Oct 17 22:11:
Boundaries? Personal space? Sorry, not familiar. –signed, the dog.
Fri Oct 16 16:24
As a matter of fact, I DID enjoy my dinner. Life’s too short to slow down for CHEWING, is all. –signed, the dog.
Thu Oct 15 22:46
I got chunks of guys like you in my STOOL. –signed, the dog. (Also Phil Hartman as Frank Sinatra on SNL)
Wed Oct 14 05:07
Er, no, I don’t think I WOULD like it if I stepped in YOUR poop for once… but thanks for asking. –signed, the dog.
Tue Oct 13 03:47
No, I do NOT find it ironic that I’m standing guard while sitting in a chair. –signed, the dog
Fri Oct 09 21:19
Stop me if you’ve heard this one: I’m not deaf, I’m ignoring you. –signed, the dog.
Thu Oct 01 17:14
Don’t even TRY to figure me out… I poop, therefore I am. –signed, the dog.
Wed Sep 30 19:00
Strange people poking and prodding, shining lights at you… today I got my eyeball swabbed. I love going to the vet. — signed, the dog.
Tue Sep 29 19:41
If I could “walk that way” I wouldn’t _need_ the extra two legs… badda-boom… signed, the dog (who thinks he’s a comedian).
Tue Sep 29 15:56
I’m NOT afraid of thunder! I’m playing the “stick to your leg” game.Wait, don’t leave!! –signed, the dog.
Tue Sep 29 01:42
She rang the doorbell!! Kill her! Kill her! Kill her! Kill her! — signed, the dog.
Mon Sep 28 14:25
No, it’s not a political statement, I’m just clearing my throat: barack…barack… –signed, the dog.
Mon Sep 28 00:22
I’m not drooling, I’m dribbling… there IS a difference you know… –signed, the dog.
Sun Sep 27 21:21
I lean against you, you shift over, I slide down to the warm spot where your butt just was… works every time! –signed, the dog.
Sun Sep 27 17:02:
Okay, maybe I DON’T know my ass from your elbow… that’s why I need to lick them BOTH… signed, the dog.
Sun Sep 27 00:58
Well maybe your knee SHOULD bend that way. Anyway, it’s not MY fault you have a low pain threshold. –signed, the dog.
Fri Sep 25 16:12
Look, MY job is to push the couch cushions onto the floor, and YOUR job is to put them back. I’ve done MY part. –signed, the dog.
Fri Sep 25 04:43
But WHY can’t I put my butt on your pillow? It’s so COMFY! — signed the dog.
Thu Sep 24 03:47
I just want to smell your face. No tongue, I promise. I’m not lying this time. — signed, the dog.
Wed Sep 23 17:41
That’s a nice carpet. For me to poop on. — signed, the dog.
Tue Sep 22 18:59
I didn’t say I wanted to go out for a pee. I just said I wanted to go out. I’ll pee next time. — signed, the dog.
Tue Sep 22 05:47
You were outside without me? What were you doing? I’m gonna need to smell your shoes and your butt. –signed, the dog.
Sun Sep 20 01:17
Just give me the damn treat already and stop asking me who’s a good dog! — signed, the dog.
Fri Sep 18 02:14